Page 44 - Payout Magazine Online Volume 9.1

Confessions of a CamGirl
Prejudice, Pride
and Dignity.
Who am I? A question that I asked
myself so often and at the same time,
a question that remained without answer. I
have never been able to answer this question..
not because i am dumb or dull, but because
I have always questioned it wrong. I have
always asked Who am I, but i addressed it to
the wrong place, to the wrong crowd, to the
wrong person. I addressed it to the world..
instead of addressing it to the person who
matters the most..ME.
I forgot that because i forgot what self
love means, I forgot it because i have given
my kind soul to the wrong people, my broken
and sewed heart which has been used so
many times by amateurs of love and feelings. I
thought the people I met along the road were
my only summer..it took some time to realise
that I was the only one who gave warmth
from inside me to people. And don`t get me
wrong, i don`t regret it. I have been there, I
have been all crawled up in the cold dark
needing warmth from someone..i know what
it feels like to have winter inside you, to need
desperately to crawl out of the darkness, but i
came to realise that this is an inside job...I `ve life shows you that you can`t make the “right”
been out in the open road, screaming, crying,
trying to define myself. Then i realised i had
to take everything i knew, every PREJUDICE
I had and kill it. I realised that in order to be
free, i had to kill some parts of what I was
taught to become. You see, we are born in this
world, and we are taught what to say, what to
do, how to act and more important what to
think. I was never happy and i struggled with
depression for as long as i have known myself.
But it was because i was fighting with myself.
The person who I am was never the same
with the person who I was taught to become.
I learned that nobody, but nobody gets to
decide for you. Nobody is entitled to choose
instead of you, you are the ONE who has to
44 PayOutMagazine
do it! There arent the perfect ones, the right
ones, there is no such thing. There is just you
against the world and its up to you to build the
life you want to live.
I have learned that the bitter taste in my
mouth will always create ambitions and
success, much more than comfort zones. I
have learned that nobody can take your place,
nobody can walk in your shoes because they
are your size, not anyone else.
I decided to set myself free, free from my
PRIDE, which was unjustified..so many times..
so many damn times. So many nights have
I fallen asleep crying, not knowing what or
where to go, what to do...you see, I was always
an unusual girl..not because it was cool, but
because i was always dual, divided between
two different personalities. One was weak,
always thinking about everyone`s opinion, and
the other one, who knew that it takes killing
everything you ever knew and had, to know
what real freedom is. To know who you really
are. To be in self correlation with your wild
soul. Because sometimes, just sometimes,
decisions, the “good” things that society
expects you to do, maybe because you lost the
start from the beginning, or maybe because
you didn`t make the necessary effort where
you were supposed to, or maybe you weren`t
aware of it. Life shows you that you have to be
an unorthodox son of a bitch, which will bring
shame upon your family.
You see, i was tired of feeling like i wasn`t
normal, like i wasn`t part of this world, just
because i was different. Just because my soul
wanted something else.
It took me some time to understand that
evil is fundamental in people, without it we
would be too human, we would never judge
each other and we would never ever care
about others lives. But there is no hope there..
One of my favorite writers said once: “Losing
all hope was freedom”. So i did it. I lost hope
that people will ever come to understand me.
And for the first time in my life i felt free…
It was up to me, up to me to lead the life i
wanted to live. It was up to me to be happy and
to figure out how i will make my life successful
and worry free.
I wonder now, who of you readers are
judging me? Who will throw the first stone from
their glass houses? “She`s just a cam girl”,...
and you know what? Yes, I am just a cam girl,
but i am happy. I am who i chose to become,
nobody decides for me, nobody tells me what
to do, where to go, nobody crushes my ego, I
am worthy, worthy of my life and my dignity is
untouched. Cause let me ask you...who are you
to decide what is normal and abnormal? Who
are you to decide who deserves to be happy
or not? Who made you the moral police? Ask
yourselves..who are you? Are you happy with
yourselves? With your lives? But be honest to
yourself..dont be honest to me or the society..
just to yourself..like i am..i am free, i am happy
and i am PROUD of who I am. I am myself and
i will always be myself for as long as i shall live.
I shall never be a property of the society. My
lips will not be sealed because my inner voice
is much louder than prejudice and envy. This is
how my story begins..”i can`t beat death...but
i can beat death in life sometimes.”
Miss K.