Page 46 - Payout Magazine Online Volume 10.02

FIVE WAYS
HOW NOT TO
BLOW UP YOUR
FUCKING BLOG
Some people really need a slap. No matter
what they’re told, no matter how and how
many times they screw up or see some other
idiot screw up, they do the same shit over and
over again. And you.
You’re reading this?
So maybe you need to have it put down in
black & white, how not to blow up your blog,
whether it’s about politics or fucking or religion
or scrap-booking. Do you? Ask yourself whether
you do these things, punk, and remember: don’t.
#1 Don’t Use the Word “Fuck”
This is wrong. It’s a needlessly shocking
way to grab attention, or for a cheap laugh, and
doesn’t add a fucking thing to your emphases.
Don’t think that’s the plural for “emphasis” and
googled it anyway? Fuck you.
#2 Don’t Fucking Steal. Photos, Text,
Anyfuckingthing. Geeze
This is morally and ethically wrong, you idiot. an idiot like you, then it’s actually pretty fucking thing. Because Google is smarter than you
And if that’s not enough for your scumbag ass
to get in line with, you can also get sued, DMCA-
ed, taken down, shaken down, made a mockery,
lose reputation, completely be destroyed in
anything coming close to respect for you and
your work for a very long time to come. You
deserve it. You dumb shit.
Go to sites like the Creative Commons,
Pexels.com, or PublicDomainPictures.net, and
take some of those down if you want. You can
even take them without asking permission, if
that simple courteous gesture irks your stupid
neuroses, or you can plop a buck from your
Paypal account as a “donation” to make the
booboo better. Don’t have a Paypal account?
46 PAYOUTMAGAZINE
The internet was created in 1990, you fucking
loser. Get a VHS player and move up from there.
And when it comes to writing, believe it or
not, text content is more recognizeable and
easily sourced on the internet than pictures
and photos. You don’t have to be General
Schwartzkopf to know all you have to do is
copy-paste anything into a search engine and
you will find all uses of that phrase, sentence or
even paragraph. Nice try, dumbass.
#3 Don’t Let Audio or Especially
Fucking Music Start Automatically
Just don’t. Especially without warning the
potential sucker. Doesn’t matter if they’re
wearing headphones or not. Actually it does,
since if their volume is cranked way up to listen
to good fucking music and you blast them that
way inside their fucking own heads, you should
be shot. If they aren’t on headphones and the
volume can alert co-workers or significant
others or even fucking kids to the fact you’re
the kind of jerk who would go to a site run by
funny and you both deserve to lose everything.
Also you probably don’t own the rights
to the music you’re going to start your site
atmospherics with, so fuck you and see #2
above, asshole.
#4 Don’t Use Fucked Up Colors for
Text and Background
What is fucking wrong with you? Think green
robot font on black backgrounds is cool and
matrix-like and computerish and all that shit?
You should really be fed LSD and made to listen
to Space Invaders videogame audio for a month,
and see what that does to your idiot brain.
Besides, not only does it rattle readability,
give some weak-headed types migraines, and
hopefully induce epileptic seizures, the search
engines can SEE that you’re being a complete
amateur douche and will score you bad.
The same goes with the stupid idea of using
low-contrasty, pale fonts on pale backgrounds.
For other reasons, too, but don’t get me into
those because if you need that history lesson,
you’re one of the sucks who was taken in by this
“trick”.
#5 Don’t Use “Click Here” or “Read
More” as Fucking Link Text
Why would you? Because everybody else
does? Because you don’t care what your text
indicates to the morons you’re trying to suck
in to your garbage? You have to tell them
everything, every fucking thing, because they
are stupid, just like you for having to have all this
written down and explained to you?
Or no, the other thing, the Google knows
and you figure smarter than users and is just
replacing your minds so you don’t have to do
more to lead the thing down to your precious
fucking content turd-deposit after that fucking
click. Go ahead. You deserve each other. Just
do it. Read More. Click for more. Such holes.
Finally, if you do use the word “Fuck”, do it
right, and fucking get that thing out there in the
reader’s face until they’re drooling gibbering
masses of residue chuckles on the floor.
And snap it shut. Now go.