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Ask Lola:

Not-So-Positive

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Dear Lola, really what you meant?” Most of the time, people Take Care of Yourself
will realize the misunderstanding and apologize,
I’d been camming for a few months and feeling and you can get on with your sexy fun. If they As young people, when someone knocks us
like I was getting pretty good at it. But then one don’t, well, that reaction is useful, too. You can down, adults may scoop us up, give us a hug and
night, a regular came into my room. He’d always use that information to decide whether that’s put a band-aid on the boo-boo. As grown ups,
been totally nice before, but out of nowhere, he a fireable offense or if they’re worth keeping it’s important to do the same kind of self-care
started saying a ton of rude things about me—my around. when our egos have been wounded.
hair, my voice, my room, everything! A few days
later, he came back and was super mean again. Find What’s Constructive in the My advice, other than blocking him the minute
I ended up having to block him. Ever since then, Criticism he became abusive, is to take some time to
I’ve lost my confidence. Every time I’m supposed acknowledge how his comments felt. Then
to get online, I get so stressed out. Help! comfort yourself. You deserve to have someone
A lot of people just don’t have any tact when
bear witness to your pain, and say what you need
they’re aroused, discombobulated, or don’t know to hear in order to feel better. Sometimes, that
-Stella
the rules — states of mind which often apply to person has to be you.
cam fans.
Dear Stella,
Say these words (or your own) out loud: “Wow—
If someone offers a harsh opinion—“Your ouch. That really hurt. I don’t know what his
Let’s see what we can do to get your groove
lighting sucks!”—here’s one way to process problem was, but guys like him don’t get to be in
back.
that comment. Try adding: “I think you’re my room. I put on an excellent show, and from
awesome, you’re my total favorite, I really want now on, I’m only going to let fans who appreciate
Dealing with negative comments is hard
to see you succeed, but there’s just one thing I me stick around.”
enough in any job, but in sex work, it can’t get
would improve…” in front of it. If that sentence
any more personal. For whatever reason, there
makes sense—and stings a little less—take it Not-so-nice comments are always going to
are fans out there who feel entitled to say things as constructive criticism. Sure, it’d be nice if be a part of camming. Learning to tune out the
that IRL would be way out of line. everyone were thoughtful all the time, but rather nonsense and grow from what’s left makes us
than absorbing hurtful comments as poison, isn’t stronger in the long run.
When somebody says something that’s hard
it a whole lot better to find the nugget of what’s
to hear, we need to take a few steps back, useful, discard the rest and walk away stronger? Until next time, be sweet to yourself.
understand what’s being said, take what’s useful,
and then do whatever is necessary to take care of Lola D.
Opinions aren’t Facts
ourselves. Let’s walk through this step by step.
When someone insults the core of who we are—
Useful or abuse-ful? our looks, our weight, the sound of our voice— Lola Davina is a longtime veteran of the sex
there’s no way to spin that as helpful or kind. It’s industry and author of Thriving in Sex Work:
The very first thing to determine is the intent a hard lesson to learn, but an important skill to Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex
of what’s being said. If someone is being hateful, master: Other people’s opinions aren’t truth, just Industry, a self-help book for sex workers now
even if they just think they’re being funny or information. available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes
they’re “not all there” (read: inebriated in some and wherever else ebooks are sold. Contact
her at Lola.Davina@ynotcam.com and visit
way), cut them off completely. You are under When that happens, remember this: There
zero obligation to let garbage behavior into your is no universal standard of what’s alluring or her on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
life. attractive—there is literally not a single person
Reprinted courtesy of YNot
alive who is universally loved, admired or desired.
Oftentimes, however, the cruelest cuts in sex Whatever you’ve got, there will always be fans
work aren’t deliberate or direct, but throwaway who think you’re smoking hot, and you’ll leave
insults. Someone is just careless, not giving others cold. There is no use agonizing over it.
any thought to how their words might sound. If And that does nothing to change the indisputable
someone seems oblivious, it’s okay to say, “Hey, fact that you are gorgeous/hot/fun/good at your
when you talk about [fill-in-the-blank] like that, job just as you are. Let them move along and find
it makes me think you don’t respect me. Is that what they’re looking for somewhere else.

46 PAYOUTMAGAZINE