Page 54 - Payout Magazine Online Volume 8.2

The Obligatory Annual

Porn-Predictions Post

By : Ben Suroeste for masturbating to depictions of people being infinitely more articles about these
performing sex acts, porn studios will genres than movies which fit within them.
bout a month ago, I threatened promised endeavor to make their movies more like a
AI’d soon write an obligatory porn- mainstream movie experience. “Feminist porn is very empowering, because
predictions post for 2018, as a companion it gives women agency and depicts women as
piece to my obligatory year-in-review of 2017, As a practical matter, this means you’re going full beings, not just vehicles of male pleasure,”
naturally. to have put up with rows full of millennials various people will say, in some form or another,
texting on their phones in your living room as in every article dedicated to the subject.
The time for that post has come, because the you try to jerk off, extremely high soda prices
conditions are perfect – by which I mean it’s in your kitchen, and the occasional popcorn „ Porn will make it to the next obligatory
the first Monday after AEE, nobody is sending fight breaking out. (The floor will be quite year in review. Most importantly, porn
in press releases and some poor schmuck from sticky too, but as a compulsive masturbator, will survive long enough to necessitate
Maxim has chimed in with some predictions presumably you’re already accustomed to this another end-of-year review post. Will any
which reminded me of my own solemn duty to phenomenon.) of the above predictions come true in the
prognosticate. interim?
„ A “porn renaissance” is coming. Every
„ 2016 2017 2018: The Year Virtual so often in these kind of obligatory porn- Fortunately, it doesn’t matter; if they do
Reality Takes Over Porn. This year, for prediction pieces, you’ll see someone use happen, I’ll take credit for my foresight, and if
the third year in a row, adult VR is poised the word “renaissance” – as in “Because they don’t, I can recycle them in 2019!
to be the biggest thing since sliced bread – of this technology, the porn industry is
with the possible exception of homemade, experiencing a renaissance,” or maybe
Ben Suroeste has been a fly on the adult industry
unsliced, organic, gluten-free bread. “He does like four different things for the
wall for close to 20 years -- which, if you think
company; he’s a porn renaissance man.”
about it, probably makes him the oldest fly
Further spurring on the adult VR trend, major
since Jeff Goldblum. Over the years, Ben has
VR device manufacturers will still disallow Accordingly, I figure I’d better write something
absorbed a lot of information about the porn
adult-related apps and content from their about a porn renaissance in my post, so here
industry. Of course, over those same years,
official stores, but they’ll slide out some haptic goes: Sometime this year, at least two people
he’s also absorbed a lot of hihgly questionable
feedback accessories which just happen to fit will be arrested making porn at a Renaissance
chemicals, so his recollection might be a little
over the user’s crotch and nipples. When asked Festival. My money is on it happening in Texas,
fuzzy at times. He does remember (FOR SURE)
whether these haptic accessories are made for or possibly Missouri, and at least one of those
all the horrible, slanderous things you said
adult VR use, the manufacturers will deny it, involved will be wearing one of those stupid
about your boss while standing in line for that
claiming they’re designed to enhance movies fucking jester’s hats.
one stupid boat party in Hollywood, Florida
like Saw XLV by making people literally piss
themselves, or to encourage a male viewer’s „ “Fauxcest” will continue to make me 11 years ago, though..... So don’t mess with
him or he’s liable to bust you good, and that
genitals to appropriately recede into his body uncomfortable, especially when my
would mean no more free drinks or trade show
when watching immersive 3D mainstream sister brings it up at family dinners.
schwag for you, now wouldn’t it?
movies from which Kevin Spacey was unable Seriously Janet, just stop it.
to be digitally removed before the films hit the
Reprinted courtesy of YNot
market. „ “Porn for women” will continue to attract
thousands (of mainstream journalists).
„ Porn will become more like mainstream In 2018, you won’t be able to go two days
movies. With users expecting more from without seeing a headline about feminist
their porn than just serving as fodder porn, or porn for women, despite there
54 PAYOUTMAGAZINE